Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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