I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
