I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
