I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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