i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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