dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
