Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
