She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm bleeding and have questions
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
