I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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