At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
