i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
