I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
