I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Randomize
