I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
