apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
