I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
