yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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