i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
