I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
