Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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