i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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