Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
we're so committed to being not committed
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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