how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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