so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
