DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Houston, we have a squirter
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
