I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
