Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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