I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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