I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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