I hate your face
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
