I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
