did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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