No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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