Clothes are such an inconvenience.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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