Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
be right there i have to get my cape
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
