she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
