If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
