dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
