shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
