Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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