who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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