I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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