i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize