He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
