How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
