The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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