ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
