i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
