Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
