nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
