the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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