My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
no, he came in my armpit
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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