Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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