Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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