i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
