i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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