Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
