at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
