Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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