Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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