I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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