Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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