respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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