u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
