God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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