Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
