You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
