I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
