I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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