that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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