I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
