Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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