did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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