were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
