And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
